Saturday, October 31, 2015

Capture Your Grief, Day 31: Sunset

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July 25, 2015 | Road Trip | Unknown, Texas

Day 31: Sunset

I began this project with a sunrise, remembering that scripture promises new mercies every day, joy with each morning, and a promise of a new beginning every day. Throughout the 'day' of this project I have followed a regiment of what I've taken to calling 'guided vulnerability' and have experienced community and healing from it; and as the sun sets on this 'day', this month, I am reminded of the verse by the psalmist that proclaims "From the rising of the sun to its setting The name of the LORD is to be praised." (Psalm 113:3). Just as the sun promises to rise and set day in and day out, we can know that it will do so in life as well, bookending the seasons in between...whether they last days, months, years, or lifetimes. As these 31 days come to a close I am reminded that this month has represented a road we've walked and will continue to walk for as long as the Lord wills, and that this day too will see a sunset; but that furthermore this road is one that should be full of praise. Sometimes that looks different than others, but praise - be it through laughter and bursting joy or through tears and overwhelming sorrow - is still praise, meant for his glory. We don't know how, we don't know when, but we know that scripture promises our grief will turn to joy and that in this pain something beautiful will be created (Isaiah 66:9). That doesn't always mean we will get what it is that we seek, it doesn't mean one day everything will right itself in our eyes...what it does mean is that God will continue to be faithful in healing our hearts, in giving us others to love and to serve if ever we are unable to become parents, in teaching us that He alone is enough. I truly believe fully that we will raise children, and I also have a specific peace in my heart that I will carry at least once...God is bigger than the hurdles we've faced, he is bigger than my unbelief on the days I am weary and unable to look forward, he is bigger than the circumstances we may find ourselves in. He is bigger. He is able. But even if not...Even if I look up in the night sky and my sunset looks different than I want, even if my journey travels uncomfortably far from where I'd planned, even if the sweet lips that call me mamma come later than I'd ever want, or never come at all...He is still good, he is to be Glorified.  In the sunrises and sunsets of this life it is he who we praise; and in the darkness that falls over our world in the hours between, it is from him we find our comfort. 

Friday, October 30, 2015

Capture Your Grief, Day 30: Reflection

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Capture Your Grief | Sarah Robinson | 2015

Day 30: Reflection

Today is the day that I'm supposed to look back on the last month and reflect on all that it entailed. This month has been difficult for me and in a lot of ways has caused me to confront my emotions for better or worse. It has opened wounds in some areas and highlighted apathy in others. In certain cases it has shown me that I'm still not okay even though I expected to be; and that's hard to accept, hard to understand...hard to stomach and move forward from. This month I've had to learn how to show myself grace as many of you have encouraged and shared with me, and other times it's taught me to stand firm on where I am in this journey and not force myself to move any more slowly or quickly than I am able in that moment. This month has been a reflection itself in many ways as I've been able to share what God has been leading me through one day at a time. He has been so faithful in pulling me forward, step by step, in a way that has been so sovereignly orchestrated. I see his hand in the big events and the small moments in ways I before wasn't able, healing in the obvious as well as the ornate...This year, as painful as it's been and despite how much I've often questioned it, will be a year I know I will forever look back on and be grateful for in the way that it has and will continue to shape me. And this month as wonderful and difficult as it has simultaneously been, carries a similar outcome - a month of thought, of healing, and of reflecting on where I am. And I am grateful...I am grateful for those of you who have taken the time not just to read, but to go out of your way to bless me with your words, your hugs, your stories, and your encouragement. For thirty days you have in so many ways come alongside me as I've stood atop a cafeteria table, fidgeting with my fingers, staring at my feet, and sharing my innermost pains, fears, hopes, and dreams. For thirty days you have made it known to me that I am not alone. And in a season where I've had to learn to depend on God's love and comfort alone, seeing him use so many of you as his hands and feet has been humbling...It truly is amazing what thirty days can bring. 

Thursday, October 29, 2015

Capture Your Grief, Day 29: What Heals You

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February 10, 2015 | Home | Longview, Texas

Day 29: What Heals You

To be honest, this post has stumped me. Not because I don't know what the answer should be, but because I really do feel like I'm still in the middle of believing it and letting it happen. The process of trying to start a family that began with our losses is still in full swing; every test and appointment and prescription remind me that we're still a part of this chase - planning not doing, dreaming not seeing. And we're having to learn that it's allright, it's all a part of this process for us. Much of the healing that took place this year had a lot to do with accepting the story God was writing for us and releasing the expectations and plans we had for ourselves; and I can say through his grace, our prayers and the prayers of our family and friends, where we were once distraught and blinded we do feel put back together in many ways - not every day, but most, and that's progress...that's healing. It's taken all of this year to make that happen. For me personally it's been the time together with friends both in conversation and in silence, the long walks with Justin, the snuggles with Piper, the reassurance of forums and the community of women who have gained and lossed pregnancies in similar ways to myself. It's been those I know who have traveled this road of grief longer and farther than I could ever imagine sharing their pain and loss with me while graciously validating my own. It's been the light that catches perfectly in the leaves, the soft click of my camera, the nurses who remember my name, the cup of tea by the fire, the perfect pen to journal with...the small things, truly. Each little moment like bricks laid next to each other one by one that have paved a road towards healing and towards the future God has for us. And so it will continue...As we look down and stare at each brick while we place it next to the last it's been hard to really get a hold on where we're headed, but we can stand up and turn around to see the road we've traveled. To know where we are and see where we've been is how we are able to praise God for his provision and his comfort, it's how we are able to thank him for each stone as we place them, and how we are able to have faith that he will direct us as we put them down.